“You’re not the same as you were before.
You were much more…
You’ve lost your muchness.”
– The Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland
The past few months have been extremely rough, which is one reason why I’ve abandoned this space. My anxiety gives me anxiety these days…
It feels strange to say, but I truly am not the same as I was before. Who the hell is that girl looking back at me in the mirror? She is nothing but a sad, empty shell.
The me I used to know is gone.
My entire life I have struggled to figure out who I really am… not who society thinks I should be. Not who my parents or family expect me to be. But me… the real me.
Recently, I realized something about myself that I never even thought of before. I read up on it, asked questions, and wrestled with the idea for weeks before I accepted it…
Then I fought with myself for a few more weeks because admitting it to myself was one thing, but saying it out loud to my husband and close friends was a whole different ball game.
Naive little me thought that once I opened up about things, I’d finally be okay with who I am… I could not have been more wrong.
Whatever muchness I had left disappeared and I am again questioning who I am. After everything finally made sense … I’m back at square one.
Broken. Confused. Gone.