“That stinking mirror doesn’t lie. Every time I walk by it shouts out, ‘Hey. Chub. When are you going to lose those 15 pounds of ugly-ass flab?’”
― Ellen Hopkins,
We’ve all thought that way, right? I know I sure have. It is that mentality that led me down a very dangerous path at one point in my life.
When I went away to college back in 2007, I had hoped for an experience that matched what I saw on TV. Things, of course, were not always peachy perfect like I had dreamed.
Since PE units were required to graduate, I took an aerobics class my 1st semester at Columbia. I liked my instructor so much that I took a fitness course with her each semester that followed. The exercise helped keep my (undiagnosed at the time) anxiety at bay. When the runner’s high couldn’t keep me going, my girlfriends brought me back to the surface.
Near the end of my junior college career, however, I fell too far down the rabbit hole. My roommates were awful, my neighbors were obnoxious, my ex had officially moved on, I was getting ready to move back home… it was all too much for me to handle.
All I wanted to do was run far, far away from my problems.
So I started running every morning in my cross training class. I argued with my instructor to let me run instead of lifting weights or doing yoga or whatever else was going on. All I wanted to do was run. I would participate in whatever activity was asked of me and when she announced our “free time”… I’d run to the treadmill.
I became so fixated on reaching at least 1 mile a day. If I ran out of time and didn’t complete my mile in class, I felt defeated and angry. I’d spend the rest of the day kicking myself and figuring out ways to make myself better. I’d run on the par course to make up for the distance I didn’t reach in class.
Once I became completely obsessed with controlling how much running I could get in each day, I also became obsessed with checking my weight. I checked it every single morning at the beginning and end of my cross training class. I checked it every time I saw a scale in a friends dorm room. I looked at myself in every mirror and hated what I saw…
By this point, I had actually lost a ton of weight. As I mentioned in a previous post, however, I was always the “fat” kid so all the mean comments anyone had ever made about my body stayed in my mind and drove me to pure madness.
I was the smallest I had ever been and I still thought I was fat. I look back at those photos now and wonder how I ever thought I needed to lose weight. I was absolutely terrified of being even an ounce over 135 lbs, the weight I had reached from working my ass off.
I only ate when I was in front of my friends because I didn’t want to deal with questions… and I only ate what I knew I could run off. When I binged on junk food or ice cream, I felt ridiculously guilty and beat myself up about it.
Seriously… if you are struggling with weight loss, DO NOT BUY A SCALE! It will legit drive you crazy. It will tempt you every second of every day and if you give in, you’ll may develop an eating disorder like I did.
Trust me, you do not want to fall into the trap of such unhealthy weight loss like I did. I have since gained it all back plus a ton more!! And now it is 10xs harder for me to lose what I have gained because I want the quick results I got all those years ago.
I know it’s tough… but you (and I) need to focus on something other than the number on that scale. A scale cannot determine your worth. It cannot show you how beautiful, creative, loving, or strong you are.
Let’s all celebrate the NON-SCALE victories! What are non-scale victories?
- Your clothes fit better
- You have more energy
- You’re stronger
- You have more confidence
- You feel HAPPIER
- You are HEALTHIER
- YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO KEEP GOING
Until next time 🙂
XOXO – TINK