So, as I mentioned in my last post, I recently started a new fitness journey. Currently, I am the heaviest I have ever been. My husband and close friends think I am beautiful regardless of my size, but I do not see what they see. I never have.
As a child, I was always bullied for being the “fat kid”. Looking back, I was always a little chunky, but there were definitely other kids who were larger than I was. That didn’t matter, though. When you’re the nerdy girl who always has her nose shoved in a book, plays the clarinet, and hates playing sports… you’re going to be picked on. Add a pair of glasses and a few extra pounds and you have a recipe for disaster.
The bullying continued throughout the years and still happens to this day. It may not be happening to me DIRECTLY anymore (from people I know) … but it is all over social media, isn’t it? We are ALL technically bullied in that manner. Mainstream society tells us that if we don’t look like Victoria’s Secret models or Abercrombie boys, we are imperfect.
But you know what? THEY ARE WRONG. Every body is beautiful in it’s own way.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…. I’m a hypocrite, right? I don’t blame you. How on God’s green earth can I sit here and tell you it’s okay to be “imperfect” when I hate what I see in the mirror? Because I’m HUMAN.
Although I know every body is incredible in it’s own way, that thought gets lost in the back of my mind and I believe that happens to all of us. We are always striving to be a better version of ourselves and we (maybe not all of us) are constantly going to struggle with loving the person you see looking back at you in the mirror.
At one point, I told myself that it’s okay to be big. I told myself that I was going to learn to love all my rolls and my thunder thighs. I convinced myself that my health issues were all in my head. I wanted to tell off anyone who called me fat… until it was a family member who did it.
Typically I would have fired back with a sarcastic comment to hide my hurt and just play things off, but this didn’t come from an aunt or uncle or older cousin. It came from one of my younger cousins who isn’t even in high school yet. Don’t get me wrong, kids are sometimes really MEAN just because they’re bored… but they are also very honest. They have no filter 90% of the time and Easter just happened to be one of those times for R. As I pulled up to my grandma’s house, he ran outside to greet me and open my car door.
When he pulled open the driver side door he said “Oh my gosh, why are you so big?!” … I responded with nothing more than a death glare. Then he said “no offense, but it’s gross how fat you are now”.
At that point, my world shattered. The only thing I wanted to do was close the door in his face and drive back home. I did not want to face my family looking “big and gross” nor did I want to sit there and have a meal with them despite not having eaten all day.
That night I went home and decided that I was going to put my fears aside and join a fitness boot camp. It is difficult and I struggle to find the motivation to attend my sessions, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.
My goal is to be HEALTHY again. It is going to be a challenge to love myself and feel proud of my progress, but I know I have an incredible group of people in my life to support me. I pray that one day, I (and everyone else out there) will no longer struggle with body image issues.
For now, all I can do is keep fighting my way to a healthy life…. mentally and physically 🙂