Very Merry Unbirthday

Although it is the norm to count down the days to your birthday with excitement, I find myself dreading the moment the clock strikes twelve tonight.

It’s not my age in general that bothers me. It’s knowing there are so many things I and hoped to accomplish by now. The closer I get to 30, the sadder I become.

They say life is not a competition, but it can be extremely discouraging to see people so much younger than I am reach such incredible goals. It makes my heart ache to read about how proud their families are because I feel I’ve been a disappointment to mine.

I’m sure that’s just my low self esteem talking, but I haven’t done anything significant to be proud of myself… So I don’t expect anyone else to be proud of me either.

That is one thing I really want to work on this year… self esteem.

Anywho, since it’s my last day being this age, here are 27 random things about me:

  1. I LOVE PUGS! And thankfully, I finally own one. She is the biggest brat, but I adore her.
  2. My favorite color is turquoise.
  3. Tinkerbell is my absolute favorite Disney character. I lose my shit when she acknowledges me during a parade. No joke.
  4. I’m one of those people who wants Christmas music on the radio starting November 1st. Deal with it.
  5. Rainy days make me smile.
  6. Blood and guts make me nauseous, but I love watching surgeries on YouTube.
  7. Speaking of gross things, Dr. Pimple Popper is my guilty pleasure.
  8. Jersey Shore was one of the most ridiculous things I ever saw on television… and I loved every minute of it. Haha!
  9. Serial killers fascinate me. The ‘psychology of crime’ class I took in college was incredible because we discussed what makes these people tick.
  10. True crime documentaries… I live for them!
  11. The beach soothes my soul.
  12. I am a picky eater, but I’ve been trying new things more often. Go me!
  13. At one of my lowest points of my depression, I developed exercise bulimia. This is why I struggle with workout plans these days.
  14. One of my worst habits is nail biting. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember.
  15. Jealousy is an ugly monster that I struggle to keep locked in a cage on a daily basis. Is it because I’m a Scorpio or …….. ? You decide.
  16. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a bitch. You may think you’re insulting me, but I’ll simply laugh and say “thank you” or “I know”.
  17. IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE has been my favorite children’s book since I was about 7 years old. I used to follow my mom around the house reciting the entire book to her every day.
  18. Piano and Ukulele are the instruments I currently play. When I was younger, I played the clarinet. In high school, I played percussion.
  19. Baking brings me joy. It’s one of the few things I’m good at.
  20. Photography was once my passion in life. I no longer know what my passion is… I’m on a quest to figure that out.
  21. I love to color. Always have. Always will.
  22. I am rarely ever on time… yep, I’m THAT person. Sorry, not sorry.
  23. Heat is not my thing. Summer can go to hell in a handbag.
  24. I have an irrational fear of balloons.
  25. I have never been in a fist fight. Ever… but people used to be afraid of me in high school. Jokes on them!
  26. Crafting makes me happy. Most of my projects come out awful, but it’s the messy creative process that makes it fun.
  27. Disneyland is my home. There are many haters out there and plenty who don’t understand why I love it so much … but I don’t care.
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Snapbacks & Tattoos

Well, maybe not snapbacks. Not a fan of those… but hey, the song is catchy and the phrase makes an eye-catching title.

Cheesy, I know!

In all seriousness, let’s talk about ink. Currently, I have 6 pieces added to my collection and a million more planned out in my head. People are not kidding when they say tattoos are addicting.

When my mom and I decided to take the plunge and get our 1st pieces, I wanted it to be something super meaningful because I wanted it to be my only one.

And yes, you read that correctly. My mom and I got our 1st tattoos TOGETHER. She’s just that cool ūüôā

Anywho… when I told people it was going to be my only piece, they told me I was crazy. They told me there was no way in hell that I would stop at one, but I was adamant that I wouldn’t be that person.

I was wrong! My collection grew to 4 within 1 year. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite who’s full of shit!

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I wanted my 1st piece to be meaningful … and it is. So are all of my other pieces so far.

What bothers me, however, is how people feel entitled to know what they mean. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll explain if asked by certain people (ie: family, close friends, maybe coworkers) … but it’s very awkward when a stranger demands to know why I have Tinkerbell on my forearm.

It’s totally fine to admire someone’s ink and to let them know that you do. It is also okay to ask if you may look closer at it or if you may see the entire piece if appropriate (as I have been asked when the feathers on my dreamcatcher peak through the short sleeve of a shirt)… it is NOT okay to just walk up to someone and ask “Why the heck do you have a Disney character?” with a judgemental look on your face. It is also NOT okay to walk up to someone and just touch their tattoo or grab their arm for a better look.

It’s just plain rude. Ever heard of boundaries?!

It is nobody’s business but your own why you chose your ink. It may be in memory of a loved one, something dear to your heart, a painful memory, a lesson learned, or something you got while drunk one night.

Whatever the reason, we should be respectful of each others privacy. I know, I know… if you don’t want people invading your bubble why did you get a tattoo? Why didn’t you put it somewhere constantly hidden by clothing? Why would you put it where it’s seen 24/7?

BECAUSE I CAN.

Period. End of story.

M.I.A.

Oh goodness, where do I even start?! It has been quite some time since I have written anything here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve wanted to.

Each time I log into the site, I scroll through and look at the daily prompts for inspiration. I choose one and then ….

Nothing.

All these thoughts roll around in my head but I am left staring at a blank screen. The words “daily prompt: (insert word)” just stare back at me. I’ll begin to type and erase my thoughts over and over again for minutes, sometimes hours, before I decide to quit.

But, why?
FEAR.

So many times in my life I have been scolded for expressing myself. Time and time again I have been lectured about things I have written and/or posted to social media.

“Why can’t you write about positive things?” … “Nobody needs to know your business” … “That’s going to come back and bite you in the ass” …

When I started this blogging journey, I had found the courage to say “F*CK YOU!” to the comments above. I decided that I would unapologetically be myself and let the toxic, unsupportive¬†people in my life show themselves the door. Unfortunately, that¬†didn’t happen and my confidence¬†quickly disappeared.

The lectures kept coming. The comments were still made. The anxiety of what would be said or thought by others became overwhelming and I felt trapped in a corner all over again.

I am still afraid to post here. There were a ton of good one word prompts to choose from today and a lot of them were related to the struggles I have been faced with the past year or so … but I cannot bring myself to let it out.

The only thing¬†I can do at this point is pray that one day I, and those I want in my life, can accept me for me … flaws and all.

 

Who … Are … You?

“You’re not the same as you were before.
You were much more…
Muchier.
You’ve lost your muchness.”
– The Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland

The past few months have been extremely rough, which is one reason why I’ve abandoned this space. My anxiety gives me anxiety these days…

It feels strange to say, but I truly am not the same as I was before. Who the hell is that girl looking back at me in the mirror? She is nothing but a sad, empty shell. 

The me I used to know is gone.

My entire life I have struggled to figure out who I really am… not who society thinks I should be. Not who my parents or family expect me to be. But me… the real me. 

Recently, I realized something about myself that I never even thought of before. I read up on it, asked questions, and wrestled with the idea for weeks before I accepted it…

Then I fought with myself for a few more weeks because admitting it to myself was one thing, but saying it out loud to my husband and close friends was a whole different ball game.

Naive little me thought that once I opened up about things, I’d finally be okay with who I am… I could not have been more wrong.

Whatever muchness I had left disappeared and I am again questioning who I am. After everything finally made sense … I’m back at square one. 

Broken. Confused. Gone.

 

via Daily Prompt: Gone

stranger danger

Well, typically I have lyrics or book quotes to use as an intro, but my mind is drawing a blank.

One thing that has become quite clear to me, and possibly quite obvious to my followers, is that I have fallen off the wagon here.

I started this blog with the intention of helping others see that it is okay NOT to be okay. Lately, however, I have been ignoring my own advice. I have wanted to write so many things here, but I am afraid that y’all will judge me.

Silly, isn’t it?¬†Worrying about what complete strangers think of my problems.

Some of you may read my posts and think “wow, this chick needs serious help”… or “quit your whining”… maybe you think nothing of the sort.

Unfortunately, a lot of the people in my life still tell me these things. Some of my family members still feel that I over-exaggerate, that I’m a drama queen, or that I just need to suck it up and move on…

A few of my “friends” think this way too, so I apologize for assuming that any of you reading this have that mindset as well.

Food for thought, guys… don’t tell us to get over it. Hold our hand and help us get through it.

XOXO,
Tink

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Obvious

Daily Prompt: Maybe

Maybe.

In my experience, when someone said “maybe” it¬†ALWAYS meant “NO”.¬† As a result, I’ve come to find that I use “maybe” to avoid straight up saying “no”.

In some cases, and with some people, it is easy to say “no” without anybody getting upset or causing any problems. Other times, it is so much easier to use “maybe”… at the same time, I feel a little guilty knowing that I am giving someone false hope.

Its funny, though, how words like “possibly” and “probably” are synonyms to “maybe” but we don’t associate it with “no”. At least I don’t.

How do y’all interpret¬†receiving maybe as a response?

via Daily Prompt: Maybe

Ogres are not like cakes

 

Shrek may feel more like an onion than a cake or parfait, but I sure don’t. I am definitely more like the parfait Donkey describes. You can see all of my layers at once, and there aren’t very many.

I am easy to dig into and rip to shreds.

Naturally, that makes me an easy target for pain and heartbreak. It makes me the expendable friend or acquaintance.

Maybe if I was as tough as a jawbreaker, I would be able to be more like the people who have walked out of my life. I will never be able to understand how others can dismiss another person so easily.

Oh, we’ve been friends for years? That’s nice, but I’m done with you. BYE!

No remorse. No pain. Not a care in the world.

Or is all of that wrapped up in a million layers?

Layers